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Update

I haven't updated in forever! Life's been a bit busy, so while I've still been thinking, I admittedly haven't been blogging.

At this point, we're tentatively planning to start TTC in another year or so. We want to get the house fixed up more, to get our finances more secure... but both of us are finding ourselves more and more drawn to the idea of having a child, of raising a child.

The thing that scares me is wanting to be there as much as possible. I can't afford to not work and neither can my guy. So that means daycare or a baby-sitter or whatever, which is too bad. I'd HATE to give up my job that I adore, but I'd also HATE to not be there for my kiddo. I don't know. It's something we're going to have to wait and see on. Maybe I can even negotiate keeping my position but going part time or telecommuting some. :: fingers crossed ::

Huh.

Yeah, clucky as hell. I think what bothers me most is not that I can't have a baby right now, it's not that the time isn't right... it's that I feel like it's not "me" to want a baby in the first place. Not that I can't see myself doing it. Not that there aren't a million things I like about the idea (and, I'll grant willingly, quite a few I'm still iffy about). It's that because I've never explored the idea before, I feel like people are going to look at me like I'm crazy if we decide to have a kid or kids. Like they're going to feel like I'm not the same friend/sister/etc. as I was before because of that choice.

And I'm not sure if that's crazy or dead on.

No to Maybe

So the transition in talking with my boyfriend from "never" to "maybe" to "if we do decide to-" style planning has made the cluckiness worse. I'm forcing myself to stay rational, and it gets hard some days. I want. And sometimes the want threatens to overwhelm the need. We need to wait. We're not in horrible shape by any means, but we need to keep doing the paying down of debt that we are doing and get more savings going before we think about a kid. We need to do some of the vacationing and stuff that we haven't been able to do because of the debt. We need, in other words, to make sure WE are okay before we add in another party.

But all the logic sometimes doesn't hold up so well when for the first time ever I was disappointed to get my (two day late) period. I felt so silly. I felt like one of "those girls." Not saying there's something wrong with wanting a kid badly by any means - please don't think that's what I'm saying. I just always thought that there was something zany about girls who freaked out when they got their period or who stopped taking their pills to get knocked up. It scares me that I can see where they're coming from, I guess, since it's a very new frame of mind for me.

Have no fear, though, I am dutifully taking the anti-baby pills and don't intend to get pregnant until the time really is right.

Baby Dreams

So in the past year I've had more baby dreams than ever before. They aren't always (or even usually) about me having a baby. Once it was my mom having a baby. Once it was a friend dying and us taking her kiddo in (oddly, not even a friend who HAS a baby), and last night it was just us watching someone's babies and talking about whether we wanted our own. Weirdness. Anybody else even clucky in their dreams? heh

xposted to clucky

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Feeling the Burn

A good friend of mine recently gave birth to her first child. She had always been one of my partners in no-baby-ness, so it was weird when she first got pregnant, but we talked a lot about it. I could see how happy she was - and that was what I'd worried about (ie that her guy had wanted it and she wasn't sure or something along those lines). She was. And she is. Seems pretty darn blissful, actually, and her little guy is precious. I've got to play with him and hold him a couple of times now, and it's pretty darn nice.

Those are the moments when I wonder if I'll really be happy if I never, ever have kids. Because in those moments, I really want one. Not just a baby, but I want to see a child grow and develop. I want to know what music they'd like and what movies they'd watch. I really want to meet whatever child my guy and I would have.

Interestingly, we'd seen Knocked Up not too long ago, and it spurred us talking a bit about kids... and he's not nearly so solid on the "no kids" thing as he used to be either. Looks like we're both in transition about the whole thing. No decisions yet, which is good. It's not the time NOW regardless. We need to strengthen our finances a lot more after buying the house and get a lot more stable before we even consider it. But it's interesting to know that we might end up considering it.

xposted to clucky

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back and forth

Haven't had much to say since it's just been the usual back and forth. I had a wonderful visit with my mom and talked to her some. I was pleased to find her supportive without pressuring me one way or another. That's a big plus, and a load off - I wasn't sure how she would swing on that.

For awhile there, that made me extra sure that I wanted to have a kid or kids someday. I was SURE I could do it and thus wanted to.

Then I settled down a little, and I've been having another couple week period here where I feel okay with the way things are. I've been liking the idea of us using our money to travel, to fix up the house, etc. I've been okay with the thought of not raising a kid.

Of course then I started reading some books I loved when I was younger, and it reminded me off all the wonderful things about being a kid, which naturally made me want to experience them with a kid of my own. heh So that's my crazy back and forth mind games since I last posted. Whew!

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Continued Confusion

So I went to see my mom and we talked. It was great. I got her feedback on the whole kid thing, and she was nicely supportive, which I hadn't been sure about. I was scared that she'd either be out of her mind wanting a grandchild or be horrified at the idea of me ever having a kid. But she's good with whatever I (we, really) end up wanting to do, which is awesome. Definitely made me feel better.

Then today I had a total patience meltdown because it's that time of the month, I'm always grouchy anyway in the morning, and every little thing seemed to go wrong. Which naturally made me wonder if I'd ever even be patient enough to have a kid.

Ah well. Ya win some, ya lose some, right? lol

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hehe

So apparently I picked a horribly stupid name for my journal. I added this to my profile, but just in case anybody thought it was mean to be offensive (I swear, I'm dumb - I never thought about it that way!):

I'm not a troll. I'm a real, honest-to-goodness person just looking to learn and talk and figure things out. The name of the journal was my idea of humor. This is my story, my "tale," and I'd been talking to my friend not long before making the journal, and he insisted that I was a breeder whether I chose to have children or not because I technically *could*. Hence, breedertales! This is an anonymous journal since I'm not quite ready to be talking about some of the things I want to express with all my RL buddies.

So all that aside... I'm glad to be here, and I appreciate all the help and support!

And I'm very sorry that it may've sounded otherwise!

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Seriously?

How is it anyone else's business what you think is right for your pregnancy or delivery? If I decide to have a baby, I'll have an epidural if I do with vaginal birth. And I might do a c-section. And y'know what? That doesn't mean I'm a bad person or that the person who did everything with nothing but lavender to sniff is better than me or will be a better parent. Sheesh. Ticks me off. I see nothing at all wrong with natural childbirth. I think it's great. But I also think that the advances we've made in medicine that allow for options when it comes to delivery are great too. Balance, people. Not everything is right for everyone... and that's okay.

Wow.

Y'know, it's funny. I've been letting myself really pour out random thoughts here, and I find myself annoyed at times by how average it all sounds. I sound like a flighty chick who can't make up her own mind and wants something just... I dunno... cuz. And it annoys me even more when I realize that's what I am.

But. I'm not an idiot. Honestly! I am thinking this through, and this blog is part of that, so I'm not going to start censoring my flakiness now. It's helpful for me.

Had a good talk with my boyfriend last night. We just sort of talked about our childhoods and how we felt when our younger siblings were born. At one point he looked at me and asked really earnestly, "Do you think I'd be a good dad?" I told him that I thought he would be a really good dad. And I do. I think I worry less about whether he'd be a good dad than I do about whether I'd be a good mom. But, then, it's always been easier for me to have faith in other people than in myself.

May try to go see my mom soon and talk to her about it all too. Good mom-ly advice and all that. It can be helpful.

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